Writer - Thomas Turman
Dining in the Dark
Recently, in Los Angeles, in a fit of uncreative fervor, a restaurant was opened whose major feature was that the patrons were to eat in total darkness. The restaurant is called Opaque. The sight-impaired servers bring your food in pitch-blackness. This was considered such a yuppie success in dingbat LA that the creators of this experience are opening another such restaurant in ultra-hip San Francisco. Because it can be messy, it was suggested that removing some clothing was acceptable, and because it is completely dark, no one would notice.
Not one to miss out on a hip movement, Ibrahim (Sonny) Bugaloo (you remember him from his short-lived eatery Three Rounds with Raw Meat) has stretched this extreme dining experience with Feeding Time. Feeding Time is also a completely dark eating experience. It is a twenty table, two-story cage inhabited with Rhesus and Gabon monkeys. The raw food is served by blind, one-legged waiters on crutches. The idea is to give the patron the experience of competing for one’s food. Any food, which hits the floor in this mayhem, is kicked into the stream, which runs through the dining room, where juvenile crocodiles will compete for their dinner and any feet that get too close. Dessert is accompanied by the surprise appearance of a female lion that generally devours one of the smaller guests, but in the dark, of course, to save the sensibilities of the guests.
Not to be outdone, Kim Tae Wing (fresh from his successful Hang Out, where one is suspended from the 18th floor of the Sing Gout Now building on Montgomery Street in San Francisco while being fed by various Asian soups drizzled down the cables from which you are suspended) is presenting his Eat This, Round-Eye Devil, known affectionately as ET-RED. Patrons are selected at random from the crowds along Grant Street in San Francisco by black-silk pajama’d ninjas where they are hooded and slid down a laundry shoot to the ET-RED “comfort beds” resembling the furniture used for completing the state’s death sentence. Each person is strapped to the bed and force fed Chow Mien until they admit that the dish is not Chinese in origin.
Also in the works is a dining experience by the well-known culinary couple Mimi Doppleganger-Horch and Dieter H. Kraut. They will begin Blitzkrieg in June of 2017. This inventive couple will simply close off both ends of one block of different streets in San Francisco on Friday and Saturday nights capturing their patrons from who ever is there when they attack. Blitzkrieg servers, dressed in Nazi-like uniforms, will tie up all the patrons and force-feed them sausage and sour kraut. Dessert will be allowing them to untie one another while singing “Springtime for Hitler”.
I don’t know about you, but I look forward to even more creative eating enterprises in our hip, tree-hugging Bay Area culinary scene.
Harrington P. Everback
S.F. Post Restaurant Critic
Thomas Turman is an architect, writer, teacher, and failed first baseman living and working in the San Francisco Bay Area.