Writer - Karl Lykken
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Mr. Prescott,
I advise you to hire me for the position of your Executive Assistant. While it should be obvious from my resume that I am by far the best person for the job, I will spell out the reasons in this letter anyway, which you can take as further proof of both my ability to clearly explain what is the best course of action and my willingness to go the extra mile. As to my qualifications, I have a background in civil engineering, in that that was my major in college. Since the connections between civil engineering and working as an Executive Assistant for the head of HR for a fast food company may not be immediately clear to people who lack my perceptiveness, I will go ahead and spell them out for you. First off, as you should be aware, civil engineering is a STEM major, and STEM majors are by definition smarter and harder working than any other students. As all jobs are performed better by smarter and harder working employees, this by itself should set me ahead of most of the other applicants. Second, in my civil engineering training I learned how to build bridges in the literal sense, so the kind of figurative bridge building that HR does should be a relative cakewalk. Now, as you may notice on my resume, I did not technically graduate from college, so I don't actually have a degree. However, if you really think about it, this should reflect positively on my outlook and my abilities. That I wasn't able to pass all of my classes speaks directly to just how tough those classes must have been, which indicates that I have dealt with more challenges than any degree-holding applicants. Also, that I didn't graduate shows that for me, learning is truly about the journey, not the destination. I am a lifelong learner, in contrast to those who believe that education should stop as soon as you get some silly piece of paper certifying that you chose to take easy classes. To be clear, though, while I am always looking to learn more, due to my rigorous educational background, I most likely already know far more about most subjects than anyone at your company, and certainly more than any of the other applicants, so you should think of my passion for continued education not as a necessity, but as gravy on an already brilliant side of wagyu beef. As you can see from my resume, or at least as you would see if you had the keen observational skills and aptitude for quick math that I am known for, there is a two year gap between when I last attended college and now. So that we have no misunderstandings, I have not spent those two years lazing about or wasting time traveling to countries that are by far inferior to our own. Rather, I have spent them diligently applying to jobs. That I have done so for so long proves not only that I have remarkable perseverance, but also that I am a self-starter who doesn't need to be given direction. Isn't that more valuable in an assistant than having spent two years mindlessly doing someone else's bidding? A few other of my qualities that I think I should point out, I give excellent advice (such as when I advised you to hire me just now), I manage to focus on the big picture while still paying attention to retail, and I am extremely innovative (indeed, I already have several ideas about how you could completely revamp your department to bring it into the modern age, such as by paying assistants at the same level as executives to promote a sense of equality and respect that will elicit top performance from all employees). Given how well you have done for yourself, I can only assume that you have the kind of strong judgment that would have led you to stop reading this letter several paragraphs ago so that you could go hire me before someone else beats you to it, but in the event that you felt the need to read to the bottom, I want to assure you that hiring me would be a great decision, as indicated by the fact that it is the decision I would make. I look forward to reviewing the details of your job offer. You're welcome, Greg Gory (Future) Executive Assistant to Charles Prescott Karl Lykken spends much of his time attempting to restore deposed Nigerian princes to the throne, primarily due to his fervent belief in the divine right of kings. Meanwhile, Mobius T. Uche uses Karl's identity to publish short stories and humor pieces, as well as to apply for credit cards he can use to buy his way back into royalty.
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