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DECASP

​The Quite Impressive Wall of China

Writer - Peter Dabbene - Contributor
As Arthur Waldron pointed out in The Great Wall: From History to Myth (Cambridge University Press, 1990), the walls constructed under the Qin were far from being the impressive Ming structures that we see today near Badaling in Beijing; moreover, the pre-Ming walls were not thought of as a Great Wall. In fact, there was no term for a single Great Wall in the ancient Chinese language. The modern Chinese term for the Great Wall - Wanli Changcheng, "Ten Thousand Li Long Wall", does occur in ancient texts but not as an unchanging term for a specific construction; its widespread use is modern, and its neat numerical formulation has provided a rough measure of the length of the monument that has come to serve as a sustaining national myth.—from "The Great Wall of China: Tangible, Intangible and Destructible", China Heritage Newsletter, No. 1, March 2005, ISSN 1833-8461
 
What follows is a previously undiscovered Song-era conversation among three former prisoners, translated from the original Chinese into English.

* Disclaimer: translations below may be anachronous, illogical, or otherwise incorrect.
 
The windswept northwestern frontier of Song-era China, circa 961 A.D. Three very old men, walking with the aid of canes, have arrived at the boundary of the empire, a series of crumbling, earthen walls built over many centuries.

Surveyor #1: What a view! This paid excursion to survey defenses at the far frontier seems too good to be true.
 
Surveyor #2: Yes, it's quite a coup, considering our previous status in the Emperor's eyes.
 
Surveyor #1: Perhaps "coup" is not the best word to use in conjunction with the Emperor, unless we want to resume our previous positions as prison inmates.
 
Surveyor #2: Don't worry, there's no one else out here to hear us. (Pauses.) Which means...
 
Surveyor #1: ...the Emperor has seen the error of his ways, forgiven us, and placed us in positions of authority and responsibility?
 
Surveyor #3: No.
 
Surveyor #2: It means we've been sent here to die alone, in a desolate, barren land, of exposure, starvation, or attack from horse-mounted raiders.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #1: No! It means we're finally free! To say what we want and be who we are!
 
Surveyor #2: That too, I suppose.

Surveyor #1: You are too cynical.

Surveyor #3: No.

Surveyor #1: Our laconic friend here also seems to suspect some sort of ulterior motive.

Surveyor #3: Yes.

Surveyor #2: Why else would the Emperor ask the three of us to survey these old, crumbling wall defenses?
 
Surveyor #1: Perhaps he simply found us qualified and deserving of the honor.
 
Surveyor #2: Surely there are others more qualified and more deserving of this honor—if it is an honor, and not just another name for exile. If it's a case of exile, then I agree, we are extremely qualified.
 
Surveyor #1: Perhaps he simply realized that we were not guilty.

Surveyor #3: (Shakes head, slowly.)

Surveyor #1: Or decided to be merciful.

Surveyor #3: No.

Surveyor #2: Regardless, after many days of travel, we have finally arrived at our destination: the famous series of rough-hewn battlements that link into a wall of sorts.

Surveyor #1: Yes, the famous wall with no name!
​
Surveyor #2: ....as it has NEVER been called. We have been sent to review this distant stretch of the long wall and record any weaknesses we might find. I suppose that, on the slim chance that you are correct about the Emperor's good intentions, we ought to complete our assigned task.
 
 
Surveyor #1: Let us begin, then. You two scan the wall itself, and I shall begin writing our observations.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #2: My first observation is that it is a wall.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #1: I'll put that in.
 
Surveyor #2: A good, solid one--
 
Surveyor #1: Mostly, I concur.
 
Surveyor #2: —despite the ravages of time and the elements out here on the steppes.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #2: Hey, if "steppe" is pronounced "step", why is "butte" not pronounced "butt"?
 
Surveyor #1: I have no insight on that matter.
 
Surveyor #2: Anyway, the wall is great.
 
Surveyor #1: Are you being sarcastic?
 
Surveyor #2: Not at all.
 
Surveyor #1: It's really very good.
 
Surveyor #3: Amen.
 
Surveyor #2: Dude.
 
Surveyor #1: Hmm.
 
Surveyor #2: What's wrong?
 
Surveyor #1: I just realized that I am not certain how to refer to the wall in our report.
 
Surveyor #2: Why not just refer to it the same way our orders from the Emperor refer to it?
 
Surveyor #1: The description and name provided by the Emperor's staff is rather long-winded, and my hand would prefer something shorter.
 
Surveyor #2: Let me see that. (Reading) "...make a left by the big rock, and arrive at the place where the earth has been molded into shapes which block the passage of the horse-riders."
 
Surveyor #1: It's a lot to write every time.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #1: We could just call it "The Wall", though that's a bit vague and unspecific.
 
Surveyor #2: Not to mention the fact that a wall this nice deserves a more poetic name.
 
Surveyor #1: Poetry has gotten us into trouble before.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #2: Ah, what's in a name?
 
Surveyor #1: That which is known by a general description and a number would smell as sweet.
 
Surveyor #2: I disagree. It needs a really great name. A great, great, name.
 
Surveyor #1: Inspiration has abandoned me.
 
Surveyor #2: I've got it—"The Great Wall".
 
Surveyor #1: But is it not a mere guess to say that this is the great wall? There are other stretches of wall—not connected to this one, but perhaps equally impressive, as walls go.
 
Surveyor #2: One need not diminish other walls to celebrate this one. They can be great walls, but this one is, I think, just a little bit more great.
 
Surveyor #1: Should we just call it "A Great Wall"?
 
Surveyor #2: That seems less inspiring, except perhaps to a mason or bricklayer, who might appreciate a great wall in any context.
 
Surveyor #1: Modesty is a virtue.
 
Surveyor #2: "A Pretty Good Wall".
 
Surveyor #1: Your point is made.
 
Surveyor #2: It's quite impressive. We could call it "The Quite Impressive Wall".
 
Surveyor #3: No.
 
Surveyor #1: No.
 
Surveyor #2: "The Great Wall of China". Specific and modest, at once. It proclaims greatness, but leaves open the possibility—however slim—of other great walls in other lands. Sort of a humble-brag.
 
Surveyor #1: I believe the Emperor would appreciate the "brag" part. The "humble" part, not so much.
 
Surveyor #2: We could do "Great" twice, for added effect. Like, "A Great, Great Wall."
 
Surveyor #1: That merely makes it sound as if you have suddenly and definitively reached the limit of your vocabulary.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #2: We could do "Great" three times. Or four.
 
Surveyor #3: No.
 
Surveyor #1: The name we choose should be one that will stand the test of time. It must predict and allow for future developments.
 
Surveyor #2: "Great Wall" leaves open the possibility of a greater wall later.
 
Surveyor #1: When I hear "greater", I think of it as used in the phrase "the greater metropolitan area".
 
Surveyor #2: So this could be "The Great Wall of Greater China".
 
Surveyor #1: Hmm. Yes. And that complies with the other meaning of "greater", too: China includes the wall, plus a lot of other stuff, so it would have to be greater than—as in superior to—the wall itself.
 
Surveyor #2: Not necessarily. The wall could be seen as pure, not lessened in its greatness by other elements of society. In that sense, the wall could be greater.
 
Surveyor #1: "The Greater Wall of Great China"?
 
Surveyor #2: That does make it sound like the wall is greater than the country.
 
Surveyor #1: Which is possible, I suppose, but also the sort of thing that gets one into hot water with authorities.
 
Surveyor #2: We're dying out here anyway. Authorities should not concern us. For once, we are free—free to call this wall what we choose!
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #1: Your declaration is truly inspiring, but I believe we are forgetting something. If we called this the Great Wall or Greater Wall, of Great or Greater China, that leaves open the possibility of someone building a Greatest Wall of Greatest China. However far-thinking that might be, I do not believe the Emperor would appreciate the implication that his achievements will be surpassed by future emperors.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #2: Well, what's better than "greatest"?
 
Surveyor #1: Transcendent?
 
Surveyor #2: Why would we want people to think you can see through it?
 
Surveyor #1: That's "transparent". Transcendent means it transcends being a wall.
 
Surveyor #2: Does it do that?
 
Surveyor #1: Not really.
 
Surveyor #3: No.
 
Surveyor #2: Hmm.
 
Surveyor #1: Staring at the wall, you seem lost in thought.
 
Surveyor #2: Mmm.
 
Surveyor #1: You've been walled off to me for ages.
 
Surveyor #2: Hmm?
 
Surveyor #1: Heart of stone.
 
Surveyor #2: Were you saying something?
 
Surveyor #1: What is it that troubles you?
 
Surveyor #2: This is a wall that should be described by a superlative, we agree?
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #1: Yes.
 
Surveyor #2: Yet horse-riders will surely attack this wall.
 
Surveyor #1: That is why it was built. So they attack the wall, and not the people of the nearest villages.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #2: But in attacking, they will damage the structure.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #1: It is possible, true. Even likely.
 
Surveyor #2: Should we not consider, then, recommending a wall placed outside of this wall?
 
Surveyor #1: You want to build a wall to protect the wall?
 
Surveyor #2: Yes.
 
Surveyor #3: No.
 
Surveyor #2: This wall would protect even more than the original wall. It would be even greater in that respect.
 
Surveyor #1: "The Even Greater Wall of Greater China."
 
Surveyor #3: No.
 
Surveyor #2: In considering the importance of this wall to the Emperor's legacy, I am suddenly reminded of a small man who lived long ago and far away, and said sagely, "Walls not make one great."
 
Surveyor #1: I believe it's "Wars not make one great."
 
Surveyor #2: That too. And I believe it was Confucius who said it.
 
Surveyor #3: No.
 
Surveyor #1: Must have been Lao Tzi.
 
Surveyor #3: No.
 
Surveyor #1: Even if the Emperor agreed, a second wall would be an expensive proposition. How would you propose to fund its construction?
 
Surveyor #2: Simple. We'll get the horse-raiders to pay for it.
 
Surveyor #1: Surely they'll comply.
 
Surveyor #2: I'm an idea man, you two work out the details.
 
Surveyor #3: No.
 
Surveyor #1: No.
 
Surveyor #2: Losers.
 
Surveyor #1: I have just had a sobering thought.
 
Surveyor #2: Don't bring me down.
 
Surveyor #1: This wall is a symbol of our people.
 
Surveyor #2: I humbly submit: it must be preserved!
 
Surveyor #1: It is also the burial site of countless workers who were pressed into service against their will.
 
Surveyor #2: Mr. Emperor, tear down this wall!
 
Surveyor #1 (Sigh.) Confusion taxes me. I am weak.
 
Surveyor #2: Yes, you are.
 
Surveyor #1: We all are. We will never survive the return trip.
 
Surveyor #2: Nor were we meant to, as I believe I've said before.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #1: I have still have ink, and paper, and breath with which to write.
 
Surveyor #2: You're going to write with your breath? It's strong, but not that strong.
 
Surveyor #1: There is no time for jocularity. I can feel my life force fading. We should decide upon a final name for this wall.
 
Surveyor #2: Why? We have already proven the uselessness of it.
 
Surveyor #1: The wall, or naming it?
 
Surveyor #2: Perhaps both.
 
Surveyor #3: Yes.
 
Surveyor #2: If you call your wall "pretty good", someone else will call their wall "great". If you call yours "great", someone else will call theirs something better.
 
Surveyor #1: Agreed. And it is never difficult to find a prideful huckster in a position of power and authority.
 
Surveyor #3: Fo' shizzle.
 
Surveyor #2: Word.
 
Surveyor #1: Very well. It shall fall to future generations to name the wall. In the meantime, perhaps I should write our epitaph—a pithy statement that encapsulates our lives. Any suggestions?
 
Surveyor #2: "All in all, we were all just bricks in the wall."
 
Surveyor #1: Not bad, but unfortunately the ink has dried out.
 
Surveyor #2: As have we. Such is life.
 
Surveyor #1: And, it seems, death.
 
                                                          THE END

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