Note from the Editor: Chelveston finally agreed to learn English and so I let him interview real people. Those other people he interviewed were real too, but in the sense that they were fake. In his first real person interview, Chelveston spoke with Nick Mataragas who stuck his neck out for this because as you'll see, the Chelvster is no pushover. Neither is Nick! - Kenny B
CHELVESTON: I see you were associated with the Comedy Shrine. Is that some kind of weird cult where you smoke weed and pray to a statue of Rodney Dangerfield?
NICK: Close. It's actually a cult where we smoke meth and pray to many, many, statues of comedians. Luckily I have moved on to better cults. I am now part of a cult called Memoriam Development that creates productions for stage, screen, and podcast. And we drink copious amounts of alcohol and pat ourselves on the back.
CHELVESTON: Speaking of legendary stand-up comedian Rodney Dangerfield, before the interview you said you weren’t a stand-up comedian, but a comedy improviser. My question is, why do you hate Rodney?
NICK: If I didn't, I would be giving him respect. And he can't get no respect. So it is literally impossible. But the man could do a mean Triple Lindy.
CHELVESTON: Your name ends in “gas”. Does that mean you like Mexican food?
NICK: God Yes! I love Mexican food. I want a torta right now! To be fair, I could eat white bread with margarine and have gas. It's not a special occasion. I mean seriously, my intestines are dancing around in my body as we speak.
CHELVESTON: You draw pictures, something called a graphic designer. Is that because you can’t read or write?
NICK: You figured me out. I actually have a man servant that reads and writes for me. He also bathes, feeds, shaves, and burps me. Eddard hates it when I eat Mexican. But yes, I am also a graphic designer. Meaning I make things look good. Or at least better.
CHELVESTON: How old are you and why?
NICK: I am thirty five. Because time is a cruel cruel bastard that refuses to run backward. Of course I refuse to run in either direction, so I shouldn't judge.
CHELVESTON: Finally, is there a question you wished I’d asked? Just tell me the question. Don’t answer it.
NICK: Yeah! You should have asked me what the meaning of life the universe and everything was. Seems a pretty standard question for a penguin.
Nick Mataragas is an actor, writer, producer, podcaster, and improviser, and is a graduate of the IO Chicago training center. Nick can be heard on multiple podcasts on The DVMPE network including Memoriam Productions, SURIAL, The Last Days of Macho Man Will Shiflett, and Freak of the Week. For many years he could be seen in improv shows at The Comedy Shrine in Aurora Illinois. When not working way too much, Nick celebrates the god Dionysus, enjoys reading, and sleeps. Nick is the founder, and head of development at Memoriam Development.