CHELVESTON: You invented something called Hand Parentheses, which you demonstrate in your stand-up routine. What other things do you do with your hands when you’re not on stage?
CHAD: What a strange question…although I can see your obsession with hands as you are just a little penguin with duotone flaps for appendages. Okay Chelveston, I’ll play your game - I use my hands to grasp fish instead of my mouth like a savage flightless bird.
CHELVESTON: That advice column you write is a bunch of self-help crap. You’re helping people, and it’s a well-known fact that people hate penguins, especially me. Why help the haters?
CHAD: Haters need help to be less hateful, if even for a half-minute. And I wouldn’t classify all of my readers as haters, far from it. Take for example your assertation that “people hate penguins”. That’s not accurate at all. People love penguins generally, they just don’t really like you. (Chelv: Ya well you're bald.)
CHELVESTON: You bill yourself as Chad The Dad. Won’t your kids be embarrassed to find out you tried to score a date with me, a goddamn penguin, over email?
CHAD: Chelv, my kids know who I am. And what I’m not.
CHELVESTON: Have you ever thought about cutting off that beard and gluing it to the right part of your head?
CHAD: Oh, a bald joke–from a hairless bird!? My beard is perfectly placed on the outside of my head, right where it should be. I have thought of shaving it, but I can’t seem to find the right charitable cause. Something worthwhile, like endangering interviewing penguins sounds promising.
CHELVESTON: Whoever made that Phil the Wizard video is a seriously funny guy. You on the other hand need help. Have you thought about contacting him for some pointers?
CHAD: *Sigh*…we’re the same, I’m the guy in the, he’s the same. Stop staring at me like that.
Thanks for the interview, this has been great. Stop preening my beard!
I’ve got to go now and do some things with my hands.
CHELVESTON: Just wash with soap afterwards okay?
Chad (the Dad) Harris is an American actor, comedian, writer and musician. He’s a stand-up comic from the Midwest who has studied, practiced and taught improv comedy across the country for many years. You can learn more here.